interesting facts

WW2

Hiroo Onoda
World War II ended way back in 1945. Someone forgot to tell Hiroo Onoda and his men, however. They kept fighting and fighting and fighting. And when that wasn't enough, they kept on fighting some more. Thirty years later, their war was still going on

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Fishes
I can hear you screaming already - your English teacher told you that the plural of fish is still fish. Supposedly, there is no such word called fishes. Well, your English teacher was wrong



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Wanna sell your body?
You're worth more than you think. You're worth more than you think.

Well, I guess you could try prostitution, but that's not what I'm talking about.

Let's suppose that when you die, you wish to sell your body. Now I'm sure that there is some pervert out there that would want to do some things we shouldn't mention. However, many claim that your body is a min
Let's see:

According to the U.S. Bureau of Chemistry and Soils, your body is:

65% Oxygen (worthless - meaning that you're mostly hot air!)
18% Carbon (worthless)

10% Hydrogen (worthless) 3% Nitrogen (good for plant food)
1.5% Calcium (worthless)
1% Phosphorous (good fertilizer)
0.35% Potassium (worthless)
0.25% Sulfur (can be used to make that rotten egg smell)
0.15% Sodium (salt)
0.15% Chlorine (not enough for the backyard pool)
0.05% Magnesium (of slight value)


0.0004% Iron (I guess we can rust) 0.00004% Iodine (sell this to the medical industry) Plus minute quantities of fluorine, silicon, manganese, zinc, copper, aluminum, and arsenic(!). No gold, silver, or platinum deposits.

Value of all this great stuff - less than $1.00. This won't cover the price of the funeral.

I guess if you had enough bodies some money could be earned. Doesn't sound worth it. Just the smell of the decomposing bodies would make me want to live in poverty for the rest of my life.

I overlooked a better money making scheme.

Instead of selling the minerals in your body, you could sell your skin. Those sick Nazis had an entire industry built on this scheme. They made lampshades, shoes, and other things that used leather-like human skins. Thankfully, they lost the war and this practice ended.

The question is, how much skin do we have? We have to know if we intend to sell it.

The average person has between fourteen to eighteen square feet of skin on the body. Each person varies a bit. Things such as your height, how fat you are, and how big your breasts are cause the three major differences.

So how do they estimate this?

I guess that they could skin you after death and measure it that way. They don't.

It seems that the Japanese have the solution. The Imperial State Institute for Nutrition at Tokyo has a method. First, they have you strip naked. They then adhere a strong, thin paper to every centimeter of your body. The paper is allowed to dry and removed. They then cut the paper into small pieces and carefully calculate your body measurements. Sounds kind of kinky.

This could cause a change in our standards. Instead of Miss June being a 36D-22-34 (must be an inflatable model), she would now be a 12,800 square centimeter beauty.

So how much is this skin worth? If we assume that a square foot of cow hide sells for 25 cents, then you would be worth approximately $3.50. Plus, you could still get nearly $1.00 for the minerals contained in your body, as most elements are stored in your bones and internal organs. Hey, if you're lucky, the market could be on an upswing. Maybe you could get five bucks!

Prostitution is sounding more profitable with each sentence that I write!

Well, I guess you could try prostitution, but that's not what I'm talking about.

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IS THERE A SANTA CLAUS?
Moving at 3000 Times the Speed of Sound!
Consider the following:
1) No known species of reindeer can fly. BUT there are 300,000 species of living organisms yet to be classified, and while most of these are insects and germs, this does not COMPLETELY rule out flying reindeer which only Santa has ever seen.

2) There are 2 billion children (persons under 18) in the world. BUT since Santa doesn't (appear) to handle the Muslim, Hindu, Jewish and Buddhist children, that reduces the workload to 15% of the total - 378 million according to Population Reference Bureau. At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that's 91.8 million homes. One presumes there's at least one good child in each.

3) Santa has 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical).

This works out to 822.6 visits per second. This is to say that for each Christian household with good children, Santa has 1/1000th of a second to park, hop out of the sleigh, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left, get back up the chimney, get back into the sleigh and move on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 91.8 million stops are evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false but for the purposes of our calculations we will accept), we are now talking about .78 miles per household, a total trip of 75-1/2 million miles, not counting stops to do what most of us must do at least once every 31 hours, plus feeding and etc.

This means that Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second, 3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man- made vehicle on earth, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second - a conventional reindeer can run, tops, 15 miles per hour.

4) The payload on the sleigh adds another interesting element. Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium-sized lego set (2 pounds), the sleigh is carrying 321,300 tons, not counting Santa, who is invariably described as overweight.

On land, conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that "flying reindeer" (see point #1) could pull TEN TIMES the normal amount, we cannot do the job with eight, or even nine.

We need 214,200 reindeer. This increases the payload - not even counting the weight of the sleigh - to 353,430 tons. Again, for comparison - this is four times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth.

5) 353,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance - this will heat the reindeer up in the same fashion as spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer will absorb 14.3 QUINTILLION joules of energy. Per second. Each.

In short, they will burst into flame almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them, and create deafening sonic booms in their wake. The entire reindeer team will be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second.

Santa, meanwhile, will be subjected to centrifugal forces 17,500.06 times greater than gravity. A 250-pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of his sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force.

In conclusion - If Santa ever DID deliver presents on Christmas Eve, he's dead now.

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Condom

What do they have in common with Coca-Cola?
One would think that the Earl of Condom (he really did exist!) actually invented this device, but he only gets the honor of the name.

So who did invent it?

A man famous for a part of the woman's anatomy - Gabriel Fallopius (you can fill in what he is honored for). In the mid 1500's, he designed a medicated sheath to go over the tip of the penis and under the foreskin. It was held on by a pink ribbon so that it would appeal to women.

He was then forced to design one for the circumcised guys - a standard of eight inches (The average man must have been bigger back in those days). It was tested on over 1000 men with overwhelming success.

One would guess that they were trying to prevent pregnancy, but that was the woman's problem in those days. They were actually used to prevent the spread of venereal diseases, syphilis in particular. Men hated them, and gave them the name overcoats.

About 100 years later, England's King Charles II requested his physician, the Earl of Condom, to devise something to protect him from syphilis. He came up with an oiled sheath made from sheep intestine. No one is really sure if he knew about Fallopius' contraption. Soon all the noblemen were using them.

The problem? They reused them (Yuk) without washing them (double Yuk Yuk). Therefore, they still ended up getting that dreaded disease.

The modern rubber was invented in 1870, but was not the thin latex type we see today. Those were developed in the 1930's.

More related info:

It is rumored that in many third world countries, a popular contraceptive is Coca-Cola. It seems that the drink is very acidic and when used as a douche, it annihilates everything in its path. Pow! Zap! Wham! Harvard University actually did a scientific study of this and confirmed that it works. Should you ever decide to use this method (I hope you are very desperate if you do), be aware that Diet Coke is better than Classic Coke.

Sounds like a new ad campaign for the Cola Wars. I wonder if Pepsi works as well?

Today on Sally Jesse... Men that don't use condoms, Women that douche with Coke instead. I better write to her with this new show idea.

Even more useless birth control info:

On of the earliest methods for birth control was devised by the ancient Chinese. Women inserted Quicksilver (mercury) to abort the fetus. Worked well, but I'll venture a guess that the women died at a young age.

Later the ancient Egyptians came up with a safer method - honey was mixed with crocodile dung. The acidity of the dung killed the sperm.

The ancient Romans had a very effective method. Women were instructed to jump, cough, and sneeze immediately after intercourse!

Ancient Greeks told women to scoop out the seeds of a pomegranate half and insert it as a cervical cap.

All these alternative methods that you never knew about (I am not recommending that you try them)!

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Brassiere

It can really kill you!

Throughout the history of humans, the woman's body has been squeezed and contorted into many different forms.

The breasts are certainly no exception.

The female bust has gone in and out of style many times (even more times than John Travolta). At times it has been minimized to be hidden from view. At others, it has been maximized to the fullest extent.

For instance, if we take a look back to 2500 B.C., we will find that the Minoan women that lived on the Greek isle of Crete actually wore a bra-like garment that actually lifted their bare breasts out of their clothes.

Years later, ancient Roman and Greek women took the opposite approach. They actually strapped on a breast band to reduce their bust size.

But where did the modern bra come from? And how can it actually kill?

Let's find out:

As pointed out above, there have been many types of garments that have appeared over the centuries to help enhance the human form.

Many authors claim that the bra was invented by one Otto Titzling. However, it turns out that this story first appeared in the book Bust Up: The Uplifting Tale of Otto Titzling by Wallace Reyburn (the same guy that wrote the humorous book that describes how Thomas Crapper invented the toilet). The book claims that Titzling invented the bra with the help of his assistant Hans Delving in 1912. They designed the bra for a Swedish athlete named Lois Lung. Titzling then sued a Frenchman named Phillipe de Brassiere for patent infringement in the 1930's. As you can see from these names, the story is probably pure fiction (especially since, as we will see below, Mary Phelps Jacobs takes credit for the first documented use of the name brassiere in 1914).

If you check most current literature, you will find the following story:

The first modern bra was invented by a New York socialite named Mary Phelps Jacob way back in 1913 (I'm sure that a lot of women want to believe that a man invented this torturous device, but it was a woman).

Mary had just purchased a sheer evening gown for one of her social events that poor people like myself will never get to attend.

She had a problem.

At that time, corsets that were stiffened with whaleback bones were the accepted undergarment. Unfortunately, whaleback corsets and sheer evening gowns just don't go together well.

In one of those great flashes of genius, Mary came up with a great solution. Together with her French maid Marie, Mary took two handkerchiefs, ribbon, and some cord and devised a simple backless brassiere.

We can be fairly sure that Mary was the hit of the party, but the real hit was her newfangled brassiere among the women in attendance.

Mary was very happy to sew up a bra for all family and friends that were interested. I guess you could say that she started the currently male dominated tradition of giving sexy underwear for those special holidays.

One day, she received a request for one of her contraptions from a stranger, who had happened to enclose a dollar for her efforts.

Mary Jacobs ran to the patent office with her sketches. In November, 1914, she was awarded a patent for the "Backless Brassiere".

Mary made several hundred of the devices (marketed under the name Caresse Crosby), but due to lack of publicity, the business collapsed.

One would think that this would have been the end of the bra, but it managed to live on.

Mary sold the rights to the brassiere to the Warner Brothers Corset Company in Bridgeport, Connecticut for a mere $1500. Just think how much money that would be worth today.

This sounds like a great story, and is almost entirely true, except for the fact that Mary Jacobs did not invent the first bra. Her design was simply the first one to be widely used.

It seems that a man named Hoag Levins had too much time on his hands and did an in depth study of all the sexual devices ever patented by the United States Patent Office. In the book American Sex Machines, Levins presents quite a few patents on bra-type creations.

Levins' conclusion is that a woman named Marie Tucek patented the first brassiere in 1893. This "breast supporter", as she called it, looked very similar to the modern brassiere. The device included separate pockets for the breasts, straps that went over the shoulder which were fastened by hook-and-eye closures.

In comparison, Mary Phelps Jacobs device was patented on November 3, 1914 and was called a "brassiere". She may have had the name correct, but she didn't have the design. Her patent was for a device that was lightweight and flattened the breasts. Her bra did not have cups to support the breasts.

Of course, many innovations were later made to the brassiere: use of elastic, standard cup sizes, and the development of the strapless bra.

During the 1920's, the flat chested "flappers" that my grandmother always reminisces about were all the rage. A Russian immigrant named Ida Rosenthal decided to buck the trend. With the help of her husband William, they founded Maidenform. Ida was responsible for grouping women into bust size categories (cup sizes) and developed bras for every stage of life (puberty to maturity).

Of course, the 1960's was famous for its bra-burnings. One would think that this would have been the end of the bra, but it wasn't. Gravity and aging were on the side of the brassiere manufacturers.

The bra has made a great comeback ever since.

We have the Wonderbra. The 18 hour bra. Cross your heart (and hope to die?) bras. Training bras (training for what?). Jogging bras. Dangerous breast implants that need added support. Madonna walking around in her underwear. Victoria's Secret (she's not very good at keeping her secret - everyone seems to know about it).

So what about bras killing you? (I thought this would get your attention).

In the 1994 book Dressed to Kill by Sydney Ross Singer and Soma Grismaijerin, they suggested that wearing bras may inhibit the normal function of the lymphatic system in and around the breast. The result is a decreased removal of toxins from the breast and an increased occurrence of breast cancer.

Based on a sample of 4,730 women, they concluded that women that go braless have a 21 times less chance of developing cancer.

The study was torn apart by critics because the authors failed to incorporate the lifestyles (smoking, alcohol, exercise, weight, etc.) of the women into their results. However, it does bring up some good questions.

To end this little discussion on brassieres, I thought that I would mention one documented case of death by a bra.

It seems that a woman named Berbel Zumner was killed at age 23 while walking through a park in Vienna. You see, Berbel was one of those women that many refer to as "well endowed". She wore a bra with metal underwire to support her ample frame. As we all know, metal wire and lightning just don't go together. As a result, Berbel was zapped and killed.

They better start putting warnings from the U.S. Surgeon General on these contraptions.

The Moods of a Woman


An angel of truth and a dream of fiction,
A woman is a bundle of contradiction,
She's afraid of a wasp, will scream at a mouse,
But will tackle a stranger alone in the house.
Sour as vinegar, sweet as a rose,
She'll kiss you one minute, then turn up her nose,
She'll win you in rage, enchant you in silk,
She'll be stronger than brandy, milder than milk,
At times she'll be vengeful, merry and sad,
She'll hate you like poison, and love you like mad

The Moods of a Man

Hungry.
Horny.
Sleepy.







Senior Dress Code

Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite whatyou may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:

1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. In-line skates and a walker
And last, but not least . . my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.

Ouch!!!

That list sure takes the air out of my next shopping trip!
Are you sure this applies to me???

Take my advice,I don't use it anyway!







Men Are Like....

Men are like. . . Laxatives. . .
They irritate the shit out of you.

Men are like. . .Bananas. . .
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like. . .Vacations. . .
They never seem to be long enough.

Men are like. . .Weather. . .
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like. . .Blenders. . .
You need one, but you're not quite sure why.

Men are like. . .Chocolate Bars. . .
Sweet, smooth and they usually head
right for your hips.

Men are like. . .Coffee. . .
The best ones are rich, warm, and can keep you
up all night long.

Men are like. . .Commercials. . .
You can't believe a word they say.

Men are like. . .Department Stores. ..
Their clothes are always one half off.

Men are like. . .Government Bonds. . .
They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like. . .Mascara. . .
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like. . .Popcorn. . .
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like. . .Snowstorms. . .
You never know when they're coming, how
many inches you'll get, or how long it will last.

Men are like. . .Lava Lamps. . .
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like. . .Parking Spots. . .
All the good ones are taken, the rest
are handicapped.



You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
"Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?"
"Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:

"Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
"You can have mine."
When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father,
"Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?"
Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked,
"Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?"
Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said,
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!"
Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer
Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus. So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut the hell up



You know it's going to be a bad day when . . .
-Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

-You wake up face down on the pavement.

-You put your bra on backwards and it fits better.

-You see a "60 Minutes news team" waiting in your outer office.

-Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

-You turn on the TV news and they're displaying emergency routes out of your city.

-The woman you've been seeing on the side begins to look like your wife.

-Your horn goes off accidentally and remains stuck as you follow a group of Hell's Angels on the freeway.

-You have an appointment in 10 minutes and you just woke up!



How Male and Female Definitions Differ

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female......Any part under a car's hood.
Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment)
Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment)
Female......A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens)
Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion.
Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.

7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv)
Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male...........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl)
Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.



HOW TO IMPRESS A WOMAN.

* Wine her,
* Dine her,
* Call her,
* Hug her,
* Support her,
* Hold her,
* Surprise her,
* Compliment her,
* Smile at her,
* Listen to her,
* Laugh with her,
* Cry with her,
* Romance her,
* Encourage her,
* Believe in her,
* Pray with her,
* Pray for her,
* Cuddle with her,
* Shop with her,
* Give her jewelry,
* Buy her flowers,
* Hold her hand,
* Write love letters to her,
* Go to the end of the Earth and back again for her.

HOW TO IMPRESS A MAN

* Show up naked ...
* Bring food ...
* Don't block the TV



















What are the Chemical Properties of Women?
Substance: Women

Chemical system: Wow

Manufacturer: God

Occurrence:
Large quantities found in urban areas and shopping malls.

PHYSICAL PROPERTIES
1. Surface Tension - Soft and warm
2. Exposed surfaces usually cosmetically enhanced.
3. Boils at nothing.
4. Freezes without reason.
5. Melts with special reason.
6. Flavor initially sweet, becomes bitter if used incorrectly.
7. Found in various states of purity from virgin metal to common ore.
8. Yields to pressure applied at certain points.
9. Sometimes enlarges alarmingly with age.
10. Even brief linking with male substance can cause substance
to reproduce with marked physical and mental changes.

CHEMICAL PROPERTIES
1. Has affinity for gold, silver and precious stones.
2. Absorbs great quantity of expensive substances.
3. Highly volatile for reasons not clearly understood.
4. Verbal activity greatly increased by alcohol saturation.
5. Most powerful money reducing agent known.

COMMON USES
1. Highly ornamental.
2. Relatively brief exposure can be a great aid to relaxation.
3. Pleasurable companion until legally owned.

SUBSTANCE VERIFICATION
1. Pure specimen turns bright pink when observed in natural state.
2. Turns green when compared to better specimens.

HAZARDS
1. May explode spontaneously without cause.
2. Illegal to possess more than one specimen at a time.
3. Avoid specimen contact with plastic credit cards


Chemical Propeties of Men
ELEMENT : Man

SYMBOL: Ma

DISCOVERER:
Eve (discovered by accident when she had a craving for ribs)
OCCURRENCE:
Often found near dual element Wo (Women),
usually in high concentrations surrounding a perfect Wo specimen.
PHYSICAL PROPERTIES:
1) Surface is often covered with hair; bristly in some areas,
soft in others.
2) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic
and Common Sense, melts when treated properly.
3) Can cause headaches
4) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after
reaction with Wo 5) Gains considerable mass and loses reactive nature,
as specimen ages
6) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply
sensitive to extremely thick.
7) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with
polluted form of the Wo common ore.
CHEMICAL PROPERTIES: 1) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further
reaction is possible.
2) May react with several Wo isotopes in a short period under
extremly favorable conditions.
3) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
4) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
5) Will be fairly inert and repellant to most other elements
when saturated with alcohol.
6) Is repelled by most common household appliances and
cleansers.
7) Is repelled by small children in diapers, particularly those
of the malodorous variety.
8) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.

STORAGE:
1) Best results near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for
favorable reaction style.


USES: 1) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free
dinners for Wo.
2) Can be used in recreational activities.

TESTS:
1) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity
2) Reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.

CAUTION:
1) May react extremely violently when another Ma interferes with
reaction to a particular Wo specimen



Did You Know...

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it!)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!) A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death.
(Creepy.)
(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Do not try this at home. Maybe at work.)
The male pray mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.
(30 minutes... lucky pig. can you imagine??)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds..
(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.
(Something I always wanted to know.)
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)
(Ambidextrous - Ability to write with both hands)
Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.
(OK, so that would be a good thing...................)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.
(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains.
(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.
(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer.)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.
(What about that pig??)

And last ,I sent my kid to college and this is what she has learned.ha-ha.
my daughter the college student questions,
I don't understand instant rebates. Why not just reduce the price? ,
Mommy has no answer,ha-ha



Consumer Labels

In case you needed further proof that the human race is seriously challenged,
here are some actual label instructions on consumer goods.

On a Sear's hairdryer:
....Do not use while sleeping.
(darn, and that's the only time I have to work on my hair.)

On a bag of Fritos:
....You could be a winner!
No purchase necessary. Details inside.
(the shoplifter special?)
On a bar of Dial soap:

"Directions: Use like regular soap."
(and that would be how???....)

On some Swanson frozen dinners:
"Serving suggestion: Defrost."
(but, it's "just" a suggestion.)

Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (prin
ted on bottom):
"Do not turn upside down." (well...duh, a bit late, huh?)

On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding:
"Product will be hot after heating."
(...and you thought????...)

On packaging for a Rowenta iron:
"Do not iron clothes on body."
(but wouldn't this save me more time?)

On Boot's Children Cough Medicine:
"Do not drive a car or operate machinery
after taking this medication."
(We could do a lot to reduce the rate of construction accidents
if we could just get those 5-year-olds with head-colds off those forklifts.)

On Nytol Sleep Aid:
"Warning: May cause drowsiness."
(and...I'm taking this because???....)

On most brands of Christmas lights:
"For indoor or outdoor use only."
(as opposed to...what?)

On a Japanese food processor:
"Not to be used for the other use."
(Now, somebody out there, help me on this. I'm a bit curious.)

On Sainsbury's peanuts:
"Warning: contains nuts."
(talk about a news flash)

On an American Airlines packet of nuts:
"Instructions: open packet, eat nuts."
(Step 3: maybe, uh...fly Delta?)

On a child's superman costume:
"Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
(I don't blame the company. I blame the parents for this one.)

On a Swedish chainsaw:
"Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
(Oh my God...was there a lot of this happening somewhere ?}




Interpreting Employment Ads
"Competitive Salary"
- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company"
- We have no time to train you.
"Casual Work Atmosphere"
- We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.


"Must be Deadline Oriented" - You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.


"Some Overtime Required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary"
- Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail"
- We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience"
- You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must"

- You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Haven't heard a word from anyone out there.
Your first task is to find out what is going on.



A joke is to be laughed at......not analyzed!



A Redneck's Dream
a redneck's dream is to shoot two deers with one shot.



Jokes about men

Q.What's a man's idea of a successful hunting trip?
A.That's when 3 men, kill 6 cases of beer in one weekend?

Q.How do you know a man is planning for the future?
A. He buys 2 cases of beer, instead of one

Q.Why did god give men more brains then dogs?
A.So, they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties

Bubble Bath for Guys

Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?

A. He eats lots of beans for dinner.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?
-Three - one to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

What do you call a handcuffed man?
-Trustworthy.

Why do men name their Middle Legs?
-Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90% of their decisions

Why does it take 100,000,000 sperm to fertilize one egg?
-Because not one will stop and ask directions.

What's the best way to kill a man?
-Put a naked woman and a six-pack in front of him then tell him to pick only one

What is the difference between men and women?
-A woman wants one man to satisfy her every need.
A man wants every woman to satisfy his one need.

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
-Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manuals"


jokes about women

A Woman President?


Why will there never be a woman president?
Because we would have a war once a month

women astronauts

Why aren't women astronauts?
Can you just imagine six women in the same room all wearing the same outfit?



Bra Size

Have you ever wandered why bras are lettered A, B, C, D, DD, E, F, G, H and how the letters are actually used to define bra sizes?
Well, if you have ever wondered, but couldn't figure it out, here's the code:
A. Almost Boobs
B. Barely Boobs
C. Can't Complain
D. Dang!

DD. Double Dang!
E. Enormous
F. Fake
G. Get a reduction
H. Help Me, I've fallen and can't get up...



Lifetime Jokes

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A death. What is that, a bonus? I think the cycle is all backwards. You should die first. Get it out of the way. Then live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young. You get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs and alcohol. You party. You get ready for High School. You go to grade school and become a kid. You play. You have no responsibilities. You become a baby. You go into the womb. You spend your last nine months floating...you finish off as an orgasm.

Retirement

My nookie days are over, my pilot light is out.

What used to be my sex appeal, is now my water spout.

Time was when, of its own accords, from my trousers it would spring.

but now I have a full time job, just to find the blasted thing.

It used to be embarrassing, the way it would behave.

For every single morning, it would stand and watch me shave.

But now as old age approaches, it sure gives me the blues.

To see it hang its withered head, and watch me tie my shoes.

There was this guy who really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and admired his body and noticed that he was suntanned all over with one exception, his penis. He went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand except for his penis which he left sticking out. Two little old ladies were strolling along the beach. One was using a cane and upon seeing the thing sticking out of the sand, began to move it around with her cane. Remarking to the other little old lady, she said "There really is no justice in the world!!!"

The other little old lady said, "What do you mean by that?" The first little old lady said, "Look at that........

When I was 20............... I was curious about it.

When I was 30............... I enjoyed it.
When I was 40............... I asked for it.
When I was 50............... I paid for it.
When I was 60............... I prayed for it.
When I was 70............... I forgot about it.
And now that I am 80, the damned things are growing wild and I am to old to squat!"



Senior's Sex Guide

Put on your glasses. Double check that your partner is actually in bed with you.
Set timer for 10 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
Set the mood with lighting. Turn them ALL OFF!
Make sure you put 911 on your speed dial before you begin.
Write partner's name on your hand in case you can't remember.
Keep extra Polygrip close by so your teeth don't end up under the bed.
Have Tylenol ready in case you actually complete the act.
Make all the noise you want. The neighbors are deaf too.
If it works, call everyone you know with the good news.
Don't even think about trying it twice.



men Timeline

When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend.

When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life.

In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability.

When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement.

When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very en ergetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition.

When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned.

I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.



What Men Mean
Have you ever asked what men are really thinking when they say the things they do? Well now is your opportunity to answer that very question
"I'm going fishing."
Really means...
"I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid,
and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means...
"Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"Woman driver."
Really means...
"Someone who doesn't speed, tailgate, swear,
make obscene gestures and has a better driving record than me."
"I don't care what color you paint the kitchen."
Really means...
"As long as it's not blue, green, pink, red, yellow, lavender, gray, mauve,
black, turquoise or any other color besides white."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means...
"There is no rational thought pattern connected with it
, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means...
"Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means...
Absolutely nothing.
It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
"Good idea."
Really means...
"It'll never work. And I'll spend the rest of the day gloating."
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means... "I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means...
"She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means...
"I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means...
"The batteries in the remote are dead."
"I got a lot done."
Really means...
"I found 'Waldo' in almost every picture."
"We're going to be late."
Really means...
"Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"Hey, I've read all the classics."
Really means... "I've been subscribing to Playboy since 1972."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means... "She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"I was listening to you.
It's just that I have things on my mind."
Really means...
"I was wondering if that red-head over there is wearing a bra."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...
"I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"That's interesting, dear."
Really means...
"Are you still talking?"
"Honey, we don't need material things to prove our love."
Really means...
"I forgot our anniversary again."
"You expect too much of me."
Really means...
"You want me to stay awake."
"It's a really good
movie."
Really means... "It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and Heather Locklear."
"That's women's work."
Really means...
"It's difficult, dirty, and thankless."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means...
"Both my roommates have moved out,
I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"Go ask your mother."
Really means...
"I am incapable of making a decision."
"You know how bad my memory is."
Really means...
"I remember the theme song to 'F Troop',
the address of the first girl I ever kissed
and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned,
but I forgot your birthday."
"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means...
"The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."
"Football is a man's game."
Really means...
"Women are generally too smart to play it."
"Oh, don't fuss. I just cut myself, it's no big deal."
Really means...
"I have actually severed a limb, but will bleed to death before I admit I'm hurt."
"I do help around the house."
Really means...
"I once put a dirty towel in the laundry basket."
"Hey, I've got my reasons for what I'm doing."
Really means...
"And I sure hope I think of some pretty soon."
"I can't find it."
Really means...
"It didn't fall into my outstretched hands, so I'm completely clueless."
"What did I do this time?"
Really means...
"What did you catch me at?"
"What do you mean, you need new clothes?"
Really means...
"You just bought new clothes 3 years ago."
"She's one of those rabid feminists."
Really means...
"She refused to make my coffee."
"But I hate to go shopping."
Really means...
"Because I always wind up outside the dressing room holding your purse."
"No, I left plenty of gas in the car."
Really means...
"You may actually get it to start."
"I'm going to stop off for a quick one with the guys."
Really means...
"I am planning on drinking myself into a vegetative stupor with my chest
pounding, mouth breathing, with pre-evolutionary companions."
"I heard you."
Really means...
"I haven't the foggiest clue what you just said,
and am hoping desperately that I can fake it well enough
so that you don't spend the next 3 days yelling at me."
"You know I could never love anyone else."
Really means...
"I am used to the way you yell at me, and realize it could be worse."
"You look terrific."
Really means...
"Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"I brought you a present."
Really means... "It was free ice scraper night at the ball game."
"I missed you."
Really means...
"I can't find my sock drawer, the kids are hungry and we are out of toilet paper."
"I'm not lost. I know exactly where we are."
Really means...
"No one will ever see us alive again."
"We share the housework."
Really means...
"I make the messes, she cleans them up."
"This relationship is getting too serious."
Really means...
"I like you more than my truck."
"I recycle."
Really means...
"We could pay the rent with the money from my empties."
"Of course I like it, honey, you look beautiful."
Really means... "Oh, man, what have you done to yourself?"
"It sure snowed last night."
Really means...
"I suppose you're going to nag me about shovelling the walk now."
"It's good beer."
Really means...
"It was on sale."
"I don't need to read the instructions."
Really means...
"I am perfectly capable of screwing it up without printed help."
"I'll fix the garbage disposal later."
Really means...
"If I wait long enough you'll get frustrated and buy a new one."
"I broke up with her."
Really means...
"She dumped me."
"I'll take you to a fancy restaurant."
Really means...
"Someplace that doesn't have a drive-thru window."





Oil Change

Oil Change instructions for Women:

1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles
since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave
with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00
==========================================================



Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil,
filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for
$50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.
Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms.
Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil
everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.
Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see
his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change."
Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard
instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat
of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard,
along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.
Re-shovel oily dirt into hole.
Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of
ground and avoid environmental penalties.
Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.
Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug.
Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain
plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood flow
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil
spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00







Used Car

It was a small town and the patrolman was making his evening rounds.
As he was checking a used car lot, he came upon two little old ladies
sitting in a used car.
He stopped and asked them why they were sitting there in the car.
Were they trying to steal it?
"Heavens no, we bought it," the old ladies reply.
"Then why don't you drive it away."
"We can't drive."
"Then why did you buy it?"
"We were told that if we bought a used car here we'd get screwed.....
so we're just waiting."





How to Identify Where a Driver is from

1. One hand on wheel, one hand on horn:
Chicago.

2. One hand on wheel, one finger out window:
New York.

3. One hand on wheel, one finger out window, cutting across all lanes of traffic:
New Jersey.

4. One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator:
Boston.

5. One hand on wheel, one hand on nonfat double decaf cappuccino, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator, with gun in lap:
Los Angeles.

6. Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror:
Ohio,
but driving in California.

7. Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat:
Italy.

8. One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on radio game:
Seattle.

9. One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both feet on brake, throwing McDonald's bag out the window:
Texas.

10. Four-wheel drive pick-up truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna:
West Virginia.

11. Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above windshield, driving 35 on the Interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on:
Florida.



Rules For Women
This is a list of rules that guys wished women knew...
(In response to the popular "A Woman's 50 Rules for Men")
1. Learn to work the toilet seat: if it's up put it down.
2. Don't cut your hair. Ever.
3. Don't make us guess.
4. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear.
5. Sometimes, he's not thinking about you. Live with it.
6. He's never thinking about "The Relationship."
7. Get rid of your cat. And no, it's not different, it's just like every other cat.
8. Dogs are better than cats.
9. Sunday = Sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
10. Shopping is not everybody's idea of a good time.
11. Anything you wear is fine. Really.
12. You have enough clothes.
13. You have too many shoes.
14. Crying is blackmail. Use it if you must, but don't expect us to like it.
15. Your brother is an idiot.
16. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints don't work.
17. No, he doesn't know what day it is. He never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
18. Share the bathroom
19. Share the closet.
20. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Nothing says 'I love you' like sex in the morning.
23. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
24. Check your oil.
25. Anything we said 6 or 8 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
26. Christopher Columbus didn't need directions, and neither do we.
27. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.
28. Yes, pissing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point blank range. We're bound to miss sometimes.
29. Yes, and No are perfectly acceptable answers.
30. Don't fake it. We'd rather be ineffective than deceived.
31. If you don't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
32. Let us ogle. If we don't look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?
33. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
34. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
35. Women wearing Wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. Don't make 50 rules when 36 will do.



Leaving College

You know you're out of college when...
1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you... and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."



Old Age Benefits

Yes, being over 50 does have its advantages...

1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

2. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

3. No one expects you to run into a burning building.



4. People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?" 5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

6. There's nothing left to learn the hard way.

7. Things you buy now won't wear out.

8. You can eat dinner at 4 p.m.

9. You can live without sex (but not without glasses).

10. You enjoy hearing about other people's operations.

11. You get into a heated argument about pension plans.

12. You have a party and the neighbours don't even realize it.

13. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

14. You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.

15. You sing along with the elevator music.

16. Your eyes won't get much worse.

17. Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

18. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the National Weather Service.

19. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

20. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

21. You can't remember who sent you this.



The Old Days

Were you a kid in the Fifties or earlier? Everybody makes fun of our childhood! Comedians joke. Grandkids snicker. Twenty year olds shudder and say "Eeeew!" But was our childhood really all that bad? Judge for yourself:

In 1953, the US population was less than 150 million... yet you knew more people then, and knew them better... and that was good.

The average annual salary was under $3,000... yet our parents could put some of it away for a rainy day and still live a decent life... and that was good.

A loaf of bread cost about 15 cents... but it was safe for a five-year-old to skate to the store and buy one... and that was good.

Prime-Time meant I Love Lucy, Ozzie and Harriet, Gun Smoke and Lassie... So nobody ever heard of ratings or filters... and that was good.

We didn't have air-conditioning... so the windows stayed up and half a dozen mothers ran outside when you fell off your bike... and that was good.

Your teacher was either Miss Matthews or Mrs. Logan or Mr. Adkins... but not Ms Becky or Mr. Dan... and that was good.

The only hazardous material you knew about was a patch of grass burrs around the light pole at the corner... and that was good.

You loved to climb into a fresh bed... because sheets were dried on the clothesline... and that was good.

People generally lived in the same hometown with their relatives... so "child care" meant grandparents or aunts and uncles... and that was good.

Parents were respected and their rules were the law.... Children did not talk back... and that was good.

TV was in black-and-white... But all outdoors was in glorious color... and that was certainly good.

Your Dad knew how to adjust everybody's carburetor... and the Dad next door knew how to adjust all the TV knobs... and that was very good.

Your grandma grew snap beans in the back yard... and chickens behind the garage... and that was definitely good

And just when you were about to do something really bad... chances were you'd run into your Dad's high school coach... or the nosy old lady from up the street... or your little sister's piano teacher... or somebody from church.... all of whom knew your parents' phone number... And YOUR first name... And even THAT was good!

REMEMBER...

This one is for someone who can still remember Nancy Drew, The Hardy Boys, Laurel & Hardy, Abbott & Costello, Sky King, Little Lulu comics, Brenda Starr, Howdy Doody and The Peanut Gallery, The Lone Ranger, The Shadow Knows Nellie Belle, Roy and Dale, Trigger and Buttermilk as well as the sound of a real mower on Saturday morning, and summers filled with bike rides, playing cowboy, playing hide and seek and kick-the-can and Simon Says, baseball games, amateur shows at the local theater before the Saturday matinee, bowling and visits to the pool...and eating Kool-Aid powder with sugar, and wax lips and bubblegum cigars. Didn't that feel good, just to go back and say, Yeah, I remember that!

And was it really that long ago?



Subject: How many do you remember

The answers are below, but don't cheat.

01. After the Lone Ranger saved the day and rode off into the sunset, the grateful citizens would ask, "Who was that Masked man?" Invariably, someone would answer, "I don't know, but he left this behind." "What did he leave behind? _______________________.

02. When the Beatles first came to the US in early 1964, we all watched them on the, ______________________show.

03. Get your kicks, _______________.

04. The story you are about to see is true. The Names have been changed____________________.

05. In the jungle, the mighty jungle,_________________________.

06. After the twist, the mashed potatoes, and the watusi, we "danced" under a stick that was lowered as low as we could go in a dance called the_________________________.

07. N_E_S_T_L_E_S, Nestle's makes the very best, _______________.

08. Satchmo was America's "ambassador of goodwill." Our parents shared this great jazz trumpet player with us. His name was, ____________________.

09. What takes a licking and keeps on ticking?__________________.

10. Red Skeletons hobo character was ________________________. and he always ended his television show by saying, "Good night,and_____________________________."

11. Some Americans who protested the Vietnam war did so by burning their_________________.

12. The cute little car with the engine in the back and the trunk in the front, was called the VW. What other names did it go by?__________________________&_______________________.

13.In 1971, singer Don MacLean sang a song about, "the day the music died."This was a tribute To__________________________.

14. We can remember the first satellite placed into Orbit. The Russians did it; it was called _____________________.

15. One of the big fads of the late 50's and 60's was a large plastic ring that we twirled around our waist; it was called The ___________.

Answers:
01. The Lone Ranger left behind a silver bullet.
02. The Ed Sullivan show.
03. Route 66
04. To protect the innocent
05. The Lion sleeps tonight.
06. The limbo
07. Chocolate.
08. Louis Armstrong
09. The Timex watch.
10. Freddie the freeloader, and "Good night, and may God Bless."
11. Draft cards (the bra was also burned)
12. Beetle or Bug
13. Buddy Holly
14. Sputnik
15. Hoola-hoop



Classes for Men Now Available

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on registration.

1. HOW TO FILL ICE-CUBE TRAYS. Step by step with slide presentation.

2. TOILET PAPER: DOES IT GROW ON THE HOLDERS? Roundtable discussion.

3. DIFFERENCES BETWEEN THE LAUNDRY BASKET AND THE FLOOR. Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. THE AFTER-DINNER DISHES AND SILVERWARE: DO THEY LEVITATE AND FLY INTO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES? Debate among panel of experts.

5. LOSS OF VIRILITY: LOSING THE REMOTE CONTROL TO YOUR SIGNIFICANT OTHER. Help line and support groups.

6. LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS, STARTING WITH LOOKING IN THE RIGHT PLACE INSTEAD OF TURNING THE HOUSE UPSIDE DOWN WHILE SCREAMING. Open forum.

7. HEALTH WATCH: BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH. PowerPoint presentation.

8. REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST. Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS? Driving simulation.

10. LIVING WITH ADULTS: BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR WIFE. Online class and role-playing.

11. HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION. Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. REMEMBERING BIRTHDAYS, ANNIVERSARIES, OTHER IMPORTANT DATES AND CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. GETTING OVER IT: LEARNING TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME. Individual

How Male and Female

Definitions Differ

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n. Female......Any part under a car's hood. Male..........The strap fastener on a woman's bra.

2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female......Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male..........Playing football without a cup.

3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female......The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.

Male...........Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.

4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) Female.......A desire to get married and raise a family. Male...........Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.

5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) Female......A good movie, concert, play or book. Male..........Anything that can be done while drinking beer.

6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) Female......An Embarrassing byproduct of indigestion. Male...........A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding. 7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) Female......The greatest _expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male...........Call it whatever you want just as long as we do it.

8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) Female.......A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male...........A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.



The Guide for all Men

WOMEN'S LANGUAGE TRANSLATED

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

I'm sorry. = You'll be sorry.

We need... = I want

It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.

Do what you want... = You'll pay for this later.

We need to talk... = I need to complain.

Sure...go ahead = I don't want you to.

I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!

You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot.

You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs.

This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house.

I want new curtains = ...and carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper.....

Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!

I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep.

Do you love me? = I'm going to ask for something expensive.

How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really not going to like.

I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV.

Am I fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful.

You have to learn to communicate. = Just agree with me.

Are you listening to me!? = Too late, you're dead.

Was that the baby? = Why don't you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep.

I'm not yelling! = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important. Nothing = Everything

Nothing, really = It's just that you're such an idiot!



Old Age

* You're getting old when you don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.

* Statistics show that at the age of seventy, there are five women to every man. Isn't that the darndest time for a guy to get those odds?

*You know you're getting on in years when the girls at the office start confiding in you.

* Old age is when it takes longer to rest than to get tired.

* By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.

* Old age is when you have stopped growing at both ends, and have begun to grow in the middle.

* Of course I'm against sin; I'm against anything that I'm too old to enjoy.

* Billy Graham has described heaven as a family reunion that never ends. What must hell possibly be like? Home videos of the same reunion?

* A man has reached old age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.

* Old age is when work is a lot less fun and fun a lot more work



Stages Of Life

The Male Stages Of Life

AGE - DRINK

17 - beer
25 - vodka
35 - scotch
48 - double scotch
66 - Maalox

SEDUCTION LINE

17 - My parents are away for the weekend.
25 - My girlfriend is away for the weekend.
35 - My fiancée is away for the weekend.
48 - My wife is away for the weekend.
66 - My second wife is dead.

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - sex
25 - sex
35 - sex
48 - sex
66 - napping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "tongue"
25 - "breakfast"
35 - "She didn't set back my therapy."
48 - "I didn't have to meet her kids."
66 - "Got home alive."

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - getting to third
25 - airplane sex
35 - menage a trois
48 - taking the company public
66 - Swiss maid/Nazi love slave

HOUSE PET

17 - roaches
25 - stoned-out college roommate
35 - German Shepherd
48 - children from his first marriage
66 - Barbi

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 25
25 - 35
35 - 48
48 - 66
66 - 17

The Female Stages Of Life

AGE - DRINK

17 - Wine Coolers
25 - White wine
35 - Red wine
48 - Dom Perignon
66 - Shot of Jack with an Ensure chaser
EXCUSES FOR REFUSING DATES

17 - Need to wash my hair
25 - Need to wash and condition my hair
35 - Need to colour my hair
48 - Need to have Francois colour my hair
66 - Need to have Francois colour my wig

FAVORITE SPORT

17 - shopping
25 - shopping
35 - shopping
48 - shopping
66 - shopping

DEFINITION OF A SUCCESSFUL DATE

17 - "Burger King"
25 - "Free meal"
35 - "A diamond"
48 - "A bigger diamond"
66 - "Home Alone"

FAVORITE FANTASY

17 - tall, dark and handsome
25 - tall, dark and handsome with money
35 - tall, dark and handsome with money and a brain
48 - a man with hair
66 - a man

HOUSE PET

17 - Muffy the cat
25 - Unemployed boyfriend and Muffy the Cat
35 - German Shepherd and Muffy the Cat
48 - Children from his first marriage and Muffy the Cat
66 - Retired husband dabbles in taxidermy, stuffs Muff the Cat

WHAT'S THE IDEAL AGE TO GET MARRIED?

17 - 17
25 - 25
35 - 35
48 - 48
66 - 66

IDEAL DATE

17 - He offers to pay
25 - He pays
35 - He cooks breakfast the next morning
48 - He cooks breakfast the next morning for the kids
66 - He can chew breakfast

adopt your own virtual pet!

Oreos

Psychologists have discovered that the manner in which people eat Oreo cookies provides great insight into their personalities. Choose which method best describes your favorite method of eating Oreos:

1. The whole thing all at once.
2. One bite at a time
3. Slow and methodical nibbles examining the results of each bite afterwards.
4. In little feverous nibbles.
5. Dunked in some liquid (milk, coffee...).
6. Twisted apart, the inside, then the cookie.
7. Twisted apart, the inside, and toss the cookie.
8. Just the cookie, not the inside.
9. I just like to lick them, not eat them.
10.I don't have a favorite way because I don't like Oreos.
Your Personality:

1. The whole thing:
This means you consume life with abandon, you are fun to be with, exciting, carefree with some hint of recklessness. You are totally irresponsible. No one should trust you with his or her children.

2. One bite at a time:
You are lucky to be one of the 5.4 billion other people who eat their Oreos this very same way. Just like them, you lack imagination, but that's okay, not to worry, you're normal.


3. Slow and Methodical: You follow the rules. You're very tidy and orderly. You're very meticulous in every detail with every thing you do to the point of being anal retentive and irritating to others. Stay out of the fast lane if you're only going to go the speed limit.

4. Feverous Nibbles:
Your boss likes you because you get your work done quickly. You always have a million things to do and never enough time to do them. Mental breakdowns and suicides run in your family. Valium and Ritalin would do you good.

5. Dunked:
Every one likes you because you are always up beat. You like to sugar coat unpleasant experiences and rationalize bad situations into good ones. You are in total denial about the shambles you call a life. You have a propensity towards narcotic addiction.

6. Twisted apart, the inside, and then the cookie:
You have a highly curious nature. You take pleasure in breaking things apart to find out how they work, though not always able to put them back together, so you destroy all the evidence of your activities. You deny your involvement when things go wrong. You are a compulsive liar and exhibit deviant, if not criminal, behavior.

7. Twisted apart, the inside, and then toss the cookie: You are good at business and take risk that pay off. You take what you want and throw the rest away. You are greedy, selfish, mean, and lack feelings for others. You should be ashamed of yourself. But that's ok, you don't care, you got yours.

8. Just the cookie, not the inside:
You enjoy pain.

9. I just like to lick them, not eat them:
Stay away from small furry animals and seek professional medical help - immediately.

10. I don't have a favorite way, I don't like Oreos:
You probably come from a rich family, and like to wear nice things, and go to upscale restaurants. You are particular and fussy about the things you buy, own, and wear. Things have to be just right. You like to be pampered. You are a prissy.



Signs of the times



Tough Decisions



income



Drop your pants



Free Lodging



Screw



Nasa



a resting place for my ex???



Baby sale???



Need to ask???



For the lost!!



Can't quit the habit!!



Subject: the road to inner peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me and we all could use more calm in our lives. By following the simple advice I heard on a Dr. Phil show, I have finally found inner peace.

Dr. Phil proclaimed: "The way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you've started." So I looked around my house to see all the things I started and hadn't finished, and before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc, a bottle of Kahlua, a package of Oreos, the remainder of both Prozac and Valium prescriptions, the rest of the cheesecake, some saltines and a box of chocolates.

You have no idea how good I feel. Please pass this on to those you feel are in need of inner peace.



Ever think you can't win a race? If you were born you won the most important race of your life!

I know I did!!

100,000 sperm and I was the fastest!"



Rules for Buying Gifts for Men

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of de-icer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out.If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. "Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink." You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto,eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks."

Rule #11 Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Patriots game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manilla rope. No one knows why.



Women's definitions

Argument (ar*gyou*ment) n. A discussion that occurs when you're right, but he just hasn't realized it yet.

Airhead (er*hed) n. What a woman intentionally becomes when pulled over by a policeman.

Bar-be-que (bar*bi*q) n. You bought the groceries, washed the lettuce, chopped the tomatoes, diced the onions, marinated the meat and cleaned everything up, but, he, "made the dinner."

Blonde jokes (blond joks) n. Jokes that are short so men can understand them.

Cantaloupe (kant*e*lope) n. Gotta get married in a church.

Clothes dryer (kloze dri*yer) n. An appliance designed to eat socks.

Diet Soda (dy*it so*da) n. A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Eternity (e*ter*ni*tee) n. The last two minutes of a football game.

Exercise (ex*er*siz) v. To walk up and down a mall, occasionally resting to make a purchase.

Grocery List (grow*ser*ee list) n. What you spend half an hour writing, then forget to take with you to the store.

Hair Dresser (hare dres*er) n. Someone who is able to create a style you will never be able to duplicate again. See "Magician."

Hardware Store (hard*war stor) n. Similar to a black hole in space-if he goes in, he isn't coming out anytime soon.

Childbirth (child*brth) n. You get to go through 36 hours of contractions; he gets to hold your hand and say "focus,...breath...push..."

Lipstick (lip*stik) n. On your lips, coloring to enhance the beauty of your mouth. On his collar, coloring only a tramp would wear...!

Park (park) v./n. Before children, a verb meaning, "to go somewhere and neck." After children, a noun meaning a place with a swing set and slide.

Patience (pa*shens) n. The most important ingredient for dating, marriage and children. See also "tranquilizers."

Waterproof Mascara (wah*tr*pruf mas*kar*ah) n. Comes off if you cry, shower, or swim, but will not come off if you try to remove it.

Valentine's Day (val*en*tinez dae) n. A day when you have dreams of a candlelight dinner, diamonds, and romance, but consider yourself lucky to get a card!



Women's Point System

In the world of romance, one single rule applies: Make the woman happy.

Do something she likes & you get points. Do something she dislikes & points are subtracted. You don't get any points for doing something she expects. Sorry, that's the way the game is played. Here is a guide to the point system...

Simple Duties
You make the bed...................................................+1
You make the bed, but forget to add the decorative pillows..........0
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets........................-1
You leave the toilet seat up.......................................-5
You replace the toilet-paper roll when it's empty...................0
When the toilet-paper roll is barren, you resort to Kleenex........-1
When the Kleenex runs out you shuffle slowly to the next bathroom..-2
You go out to buy her spring-fresh extra-light pantyliners with wings.......+5
But return with beer...............................................-5
You check out a suspicious noise at night...........................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's nothing...................0
You check out a suspicious noise and it's something................+5
You pummel it with a six iron.....................................+10
It's her father...................................................-10

Your Physique
You develop a noticeable potbelly...........-15
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it...+10
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to loose jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts..........-5

Finances You spend a lot of money on something impractical............-5
Something she can't use...................-10
Such as a motorized model airplane..............-20
And she got a small appliance for her birthday.............-40

Driving
You lost the directions on a trip..............-4
You lost the directions and end up getting lost..............-10
You end up getting lost in a bad part of town........-15
You get lost in a bad part of town and meet the locals up close and personal.........-25
You know them.........-60

The Big Question
She asks, "Do I look fat?".................-5
(Sensitive questions always start with a deficit)
You hesitate in responding............-10
You reply, "Where?"...........-35

Communication
When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression......0
When she wants to talk, you listen, for over 30 minutes..........+5
You listen for more than 30 min. without looking at the TV........+10
She realizes this is because you've fallen asleep.............-20

Social Engagements
You stay by her side the entire party..........0
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with a college drinking buddy........-2
Named Tiffany....................-4
Tiffany is a dancer...................-6
Tiffany has implants...................-8
When mingling, you hold your mate's hand and gaze at her lovingly...........+1
When mingling, you introduce her as "the ol' ball and chain" and pat her on the rump..........-5
When your mate points toward a hot-looking woman and asks you if you think she is attractive,
you say, "Yes, but nowhere near as attractive as you"................+1
When your mate points to a woman and asks if you think she's attractive, you say,
"Yeah, but she's lousy in bed"......-6
That woman is her sister....................-90
You have one drink, and that's it................0
You have more than a few & perform the tango with a poodle.........-2
You have a lot of drinks, vaguely remember being fingerprinted....-18
Saturday Afternoon
You go to the mall together.....................+3
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then park the car....................+4
You go to the mall, drop her off at the entrance, then drive to a sports bar...................-2
You spend the day shopping for furniture and pretend to like it....+3
You spend the day shopping for furniture, and nap on a sectional....0
You spend the day at a wholesale club, buying in bulk .............+3
Most of it chips and beer ..............-6
You tackle a large household project, such as painting the den............+15
Or refinishing the floors......................+16
Or rewiring the basement....................+17
Or adding a second floor................+18
Or setting up a Nerf Ball hoop over the bathroom wastebasket.......-6
And you're tickled pink about it.....................-15
You visit her parents.....................0
You visit her parents and actually make conversation ..............+3
You visit her parents and stare vacantly at the television ........-3
And the television is off........................-6
You spend the afternoon watching college football in your underwear...........-6
And you didn't even go to college..............-10
And it's not your underwear....................-15
Her Birthday
You take her out to dinner....................0
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar...............+1
Okay, it is a sports bar.........................-2
And it's all-you-can-eat night....................-3
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night, and your face is painted the colors of your favorite team.......-10
You go to a nice, pricey restaurant & hire a guitar player.........+3
You go to a pricey restaurant, hire a guitar player and get up and sing.............................+4
If you stink.............................+2
If you're not half bad........................+5
You get up and sing a Barry Manilow song, and you're escorted out to much applause...........-2
You give her a gift........................0
You give her a gift and it's a small appliance.............-10
You give her a gift and it's not a small appliance ...........+1
You give her a gift, and it isn't chocolate..................+2
You give her a gift that you'll be paying off for months..........+30
You wait until the last minute and buy her a gift that day........-10
With her credit card...............-30
And whatever you bought is two sizes too big..........-40

Thoughtfulness
You forget her birthday completely.......................-20
You forget your anniversary.....................-30
You forget to pick her up at the bus station...........-45
Which is in Newark, New Jersey...................-50
And the pouring rain dissolves her leg cast.............-60

A Night Out With The Boys
Go out with a pal ...........................-5
And the pal is happily married ...................-4
Or frighteningly single ....................-7
And he drives a Mustang....................-10
With a personalized license plate (GR8 N BED)...............-15
You have a few beers.................-9
And miss curfew by an hour.................-12
You miss curfew by an hour and you didn't call....................-20
You get home at 3 am....................-30 You get home at 3 am smelling of booze and cheap cigars...........-40
And not wearing any pants......................-50
Is that a tattoo??.................-200

Her Night Out
You stay home while she goes out with her annoying friend from work...................+5
She goes out with her annoying work friends, and she comes home late.................+10
You wait up.......................+15
She goes out, comes home late and drunk, and you put her to bed..........+20

A Night At Home You watch TV together.................0
You rent a movie...............+2
You rent a movie and it's SENSE & SENSIBILITY...................+3
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you stay awake throughout.............+5
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep.......................-1
It's SENSE & SENSIBILITY and you fall asleep and drool.............-2

A Night Out
You take her to a movie........................+2
You take her to a movie she likes...................+4
You take her to a movie you hate ...................+6
You take her to a movie you like.................-2
It's called DeathCop 3.......................-3
Which features cyborgs having sex..................-9
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans...........-15

Flowers
You buy her flowers only when it's expected........................ 0
You buy her flowers as a surprise, just for the hell of it........+20
You give her wildflowers you've actually picked yourself..........+30
And she contracts Lyme disease....................................-25



Interpreting Employment Ads

"Competitive Salary"

- We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Join Our Fast Paced Company"

- We have no time to train you.

"Casual Work Atmosphere"

- We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be Deadline Oriented"

- You will be six months behind schedule on your first day.

"Some Overtime Required"

- Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Duties will Vary"

- Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Must have an Eye for Detail"

- We have no quality control.

"Seeking Candidates with a Wide Variety of Experience"

- You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Problem Solving Skills a Must"

- You are walking into a company in perpetual chaos.

Haven't heard a word from anyone out there. Your first task is to find out what is going on.



Women's Questions

Answers to 5 of the toughest questions women ask...

There are five things that women should never, ever ask a guy, according to an article in an issue of Sassy magazine.

The five questions are:
1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"
What makes these questions so bad is that every one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answered properly, which is to say dishonestly. For example:

1 - "What are you thinking?" The proper answer to this question, of course is, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

a - Football
b - Baseball
c - How fat you are.
d - How much prettier she is than you.
e - How he would spend the insurance money if you died.

According to the Sassy article, the best answer to this stupid question came from Al Bundy, of Married With Children, who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong answers:
2 - "Do you love me?" The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

a - I suppose so.
b - Would it make you feel better if I said yes.
c - That depends on what you mean by "love".
d - Does it matter?
e - Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?" The correct male response to this question is to confidently and emphatically state, "No, of course not" and then quickly leave the room.
Wrong answers include:

a - I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
b - Compared to what?
c - A little extra weight looks good on you.
d - I've seen fatter.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?" The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost cause a traffic accident or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier."
Wrong answers include:

a - Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
b - I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
c - Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
d - Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
e - Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?" Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way." This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as is illustrated by the following stupid joke:


"Dear," said the wife. "What would you do if I died?" "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," said the husband.
"Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" persevered the wife. "No, of course not, dear" said the husband. "Don't you like being married?" said the wife. "Of course I do, dear" he said.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
"All right," said the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" said the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
"Yes" said the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" said the wife after a long pause.
"Well yes, I suppose I would." replied the husband.
"I see," said the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my old clothes?"
"I suppose, if she wanted to" said the husband.
"Really," said the wife icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
"Yes. I think that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so?" said the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs, too."
"Of course not, dear," said the husband. "She's left-handed."



You're A Woman

Surefire Ways To Know You're A Woman...

You are a Bitch.

When asked 'Is something bothering you?' reply 'no' then get pissed off when you are believed.

Become attracted to someone because he is outgoing and loves parties, start dating him, and immediately expect him to stop this behavior..

Always take an hour longer than promised to prepare for the evening.

Always hide very important events in very unimportant terms so you can have something to be pissed about when your boyfriend declines because he has pressing business, i.e. You say 'It's no big deal, but I was wondering if you would like to visit my parents with me if you are not busy this weekend.' when you mean 'It means a great deal to me for you to see my family with me this weekend whether or not it is possible!'

Whine
If you are trying to sleep, it's because you're exhausted from your almost superhuman level of daily achievement; if he is trying to sleep it's because he is lazy.

No matter what the activity, he doesn't do it as well as a past boyfriend.

If he pays attention to you, he is smothering you.

If he gives you space, he is ignoring you.

Complain
Hate any bar he likes

Demand to be treated as an