This is a collection of things that were either
emailed to me or I have found through other sources.
that are humous, fun, or interesting trivia.
I hope you enjoy this section.
Tid bits and interesting random trivia
If you hold a smile for 20 seconds you won't be able to stop smiling.
1. Q. Who were the first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV?
A. Fred and Wilma Flintstone.
2. Every day more money is printed for Monopoly than the US Treasury.
3. Men can read smaller print than women can; women can hear better.
4. Coca-Cola was originally green.
5. It is impossible to lick your elbow.
6. Q. What American State has the highest percentage of people who walk to work?
A. Alaska
7. The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
8. The youngest pope was 11 years old.
9. The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer
10. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar
11. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both of the horses front legs in the air the person died in battle.
If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.
12. Q. What occurs more often in December than any other month?
A. Conception
13. Q. Most boat owners name their boats. What is the most popular boat name requested?
A. Obsession
14. Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey
15. Q. There are more collect calls on this day than any other day of the year?
A. Father's Day
16. Q. What trivia fact about Mel Blanc (voice of Bugs Bunny) is the most ironic?
A. He was allergic to carrots.
17. Q. What is an activity performed by 40% of all people at a party?
A. Snoop in your medicine cabinet
18. In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the phrase "Goodnight, sleep tight."
19. It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month
after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink.
Mead is a honey beer and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the honey month.
We know it today as the "Honeymoon".
20. In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them, Mind your own pints and quarts and settle down". It's where we get the phrase "Mind your P's and Q's".
21. Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service.
"Wet your whistle" is the phrase inspired by this practice.
It was entitled Gentlemen Only Ladies Forbidden....
and thus the word GOLF entered into the English language.
~~~AND FINALLY~~~
23. At least 75% of the people who read this will try to lick their elbow.
POLITICALLY CORRECT:
Due to the climate of political correctness now pervading America,
Kentuckians, Tennesseans and West Virginians
will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES. "
You must now refer to them as 'APPALACHIAN- AMERICANS'.
And furthermore .
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT WOMEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1 She is not a "BABE" or a "CHICK"
- She is a "BREASTED AMERICAN
('Female' added is acceptable in urban areas of 450 pop. or more)."
2. She is not "EASY"
- She is "HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE".
3. She is not a "DUMB BLONDE"
- She is a "LIGHT-HAIRED DETOUR
OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY" .
4. She has not "BEEN AROUND"
- She is a "PREVIOUSLY- ENJOYED COMPANION".
5 . She does not "NAG"
you - She becomes "VERBALLY REPETITIVE".
6 She is not a "TWO-BIT HOOKER"
- She is a "LOW COST SERVICE PROVIDER".
HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN
AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT:
1. He does not have a "BEER GUT" -
He has developed a "LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY".
2. He is not a "BAD DANCER"
- He is just "OVERLY CAUCASIAN".
3. He does not "GET LOST ALL THE TIME"
- He "INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS" .
4. He is not "BALDING"
- He is in "FOLLICLE REGRESSION".
5. He does not act like a "TOTAL ASS"
- He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION".
6. It's not his "CRACK"
you see hanging out of his pants -
It's "REAR CLEAVAGE
My virtual pet Monkey boy,
interacts with the mouse,
I Traded my ex husband for him.
nice banana monkey boy,haha
Click into the more to feed him the banana
| adopt your own virtual pet! |
Some things to think about
1 I love you not because of who you are, but because of who I am when I am with you..
2. No man or woman is worth your tears, and the one who is, won't make you cry.
3. Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.
4.. A true friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart.
5. The worst way to miss someone is to be sitting right beside them knowing you can't have them.
6. Never frown, even when you are sad, because you never know who is falling in love with your smile.
7. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.
8. Don't waste your time on a man/woman, who isn't willing to waste their time on you
. 9. Maybe God wants us to meet a few wrong people before meeting the right one, so that when we finally meet the person, we will know how to be grateful
10. Don't cry because it is over, smile because it happened.
11. There's always going to be people that hurt you so what you have to do is keep on trusting and just be more careful about who you trust next time around.
12. Make yourself a better person and know who you are before you try and know someone else and expect them to know you.
13. Don't try so hard, the best things come when you least expect them to.
REMEMBER: WHATEVER HAPPENS, HAPPENS FOR A REASON.
True friends: How many people actually have 8 true friends?
It's not the number of friends that matter,but that you have someone special in yor life that you can call your friend with meaning in the word friend.
Ponder on this...
* A day without sunshine is like ... night.
* On the other hand, you have different fingers.
* I just got lost in thought. It wasn't familiar territory.
* 42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
* 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
* I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
* Honk if you love peace and quiet.
* Remember, half the people you know are below average.
* He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
* The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
* I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
* Support bacteria. They're the only culture some people have.
* Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your week.
* A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
* Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.
* I'm planning to be spontaneous tomorrow.
* Always try to be modest, and be proud of it!
* If you think nobody cares, try missing a couple of payments.
* How many of you believe in psycho-kinesis? Raise my hand.
* OK, so what's the speed of dark?
* How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
* When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
* Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
* Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
* How much deeper would the ocean be without sponges?
* Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
* What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
* I used to have an open mind but now it's all filled up.
* I couldn't fix your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
* Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
* Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened.
* Just remember - if the world didn't suck, we would all fall off.
* Light travels faster than sound,
which is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
The Rules of Chocolate
1) If you've got melted chocolate all over your hands, you're eating it too slowly.
2) Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices and strawberries all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
3) The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the store in hot car.
The solution: Eat it in the parking lot.
4)Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal.
It'll take the edge off your appetite and you'll eat less.
5) A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories in one place.
Isn't that handy?
6) If I eat equal amounts of dark chocolate and white chocolate, is that a balanced diet?
Don't they actually counteract each other?
7) Q. Why is there no such organization as Chocoholics Anonymous?
A. Because no one wants to quit.
8) Money talks. Chocolate sings. Beautifully.
9) Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.
Therefore, you need to eat more chocolate.
10) Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to do today.
That way, at least you'll get one thing done.
11) If you can't eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer.
But if you can't eat all your chocolate, what's wrong with you?
A Women's Little Instruction Book
Woman don't make fools of men -- most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
Never trust a man who says he's the boss at home. He probably lies about other things too.
The woman's work that is never done is the stuff she asked her husband to do.
If you think the way to a man's heart is through his stomach you're aiming too high.
Go for younger men. You might as well -- they never mature anyway.
Men are all the same -- they just have different faces so you can tell them apart.
Definition of a man with manners -- he gets out of the bath to pee.
Whenever you meet a man who would make a good husband, you will usually find that he is.
Scientists have just discovered something that can do the work of five men -- a woman.
There are a lot of words you can use to describe men -- strong, caring, loving -- they'd be wrong but you could still use them.
Men are like animals -- messy, insensitive and potentially violent -- but they make great pets.
There are only two four letter words that are offensive to men - "don't" and "stop".
Husbands are like children -- they're fine if they're someone else's.
Last but not least,
Ladies,Learn from my mistakes.never date or marry the same man I did.
Beat the system'Traffic Tickets
Remember, this advice was from a retired State Farm Insurance agent!
This system has been tried and it works in every state.
If you get a speeding ticket or went through a red light or whatever the case may be, and you're going to get points on your license. This is a method to ensure that you DO NOT get the points.
When you get your fine, send in a check to pay for it. If the fine is $79.00 make the check out for $82.00 or some small amount over the fine.
The system will then have to send you back a check for the difference,however here is the trick.
DO NOT CASH THE REFUND CHECK! Throw it away!
Points are not assessed to your license until all financial transactions are complete. If you do not cash the check, then the transactions are NOT complete. The system has received it's money and is satisfied and will no longer bother you.
This information comes from an unmentionable computer company that sets up the standard databases used by every state.
Aren't you glad you checked out my website now???ha-ha!
work /prison
The truth hurts.
Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, this should make things a little bit clearer.
IN PRISON..........you spend the majority of your time in a 10X10 cell.
AT WORK...........you spend the majority of your time in an 8X8 cubicle.
IN PRISON.........you get three meals a day.
AT WORK..........you get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it.
IN PRISON..........you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK...........you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON..........the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK...........you must often carry a security card and open all the Doors for yourself.
IN PRISON..........you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK...........you could get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON.... .....you get your own toilet.
AT WORK..........you have to share the toilet with some people who pee on The seat
IN PRISON...........they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK............you aren't even supposed to speak to your family.
IN PRISON.........all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work Required.
AT WORK..........you get to pay all your expenses to go to work, and they Deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON..........you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to get Out.
AT WORK ..........you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go Inside bars.
IN PRISON........ You must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK...........they are called managers and supervisors.
Now get back to work and have a pleasant day.
Who says crime doesn't pay??haha
Helpful Hints
Humorous Helpful Hints...
Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.
Use a meat baster to "squeeze" your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and you'll get perfectly shaped pancakes every time.
To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in the bag with the potatoes.
Run your hands under cold water before pressing Rice Krispies treats in the pan and the marshmallow won't stick to your fingers.
To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.
To easily remove burnt on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stove-top.
Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato-based sauces and there won't be any stains.
When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there won't be any white mess on the outside of the cake.
If you accidentally over-salt a dish while it's still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant "fix me up."
Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.
Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.
To determine whether an egg is fresh place it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.
Don't throw out all that leftover wine: Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.
If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dish washing gloves. They give a non-slip grip that makes opening jars easy.
Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.
To get rid of itch from mosquito bites, try applying soap on the area and you will experience instant relief.
Ants, ants, ants everywhere ... Well, they are said to never cross a chalk line. So get your chalk out and draw a line on the floor or wherever ants tend to march. See for yourself.
Use air-freshener to clean mirrors. It does a good job and better still, leaves a lovely smell to the shine.
When you get a splinter, reach for the scotch tape before resorting to tweezers or a needle. Simply put the scotch tape splinter, then pull it off. Scotch tape removes most splinters painlessly and easily.
Personality of the month
JANUARY - Stubborn. Ambitious and serious. Loves to teach and be taught. Never looks at people's flaws or weaknesses. Hardworking and productive. Smart, neat and organized. Sensitive and has deep thoughts. Knows how to make others happy. Quiet unless excited or tense. Rather reserved. Highly attentive. Resistant to illnesses but prone to colds. Loving and loyal. Loves children. Has great social abilities.
Money cautious ,
can budget successfully.
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FEBRUARY
- Abstract thoughts. Loves reality and abstract. Intelligent and clever. Changing personality. Attractive. Sexy.. Temperamental. Quiet, shy and humble. Honest and ! loyal. Determined to reach goals.Loves freedom. Rebellious when restricted. Loves aggressiveness s. Too sensitive and easily hurt. Gets angry really easily but does not show it. Dislikes unnecessary things. Loves making friends but rarely shows it. Daring and stubborn. Ambitious. Realizing dreams and hopes. Sharp. Loves entertainment and leisure. Romantic on the inside not outside. Superstitious and ludicrous.
Spendthrift.
Tries to learn to show emotions.
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MARCH
- Attractive person ality. Sexy. Affectionate. Shy and reserved. Secretive. Naturally honest, generous and sympathetic. Loves peace and serenity. Sensitive to others. Loves to serve others. Easily angered. Trustworthy. Appreciative and returns kindness. Observant and assesses others. Revengeful. Loves to dream and fantasize. Loves traveling. Loves atte! ntion. Hasty decisions in choosing pa! rtners. Loves home decor. Musically talented. Loves special things.
Moody.
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APRIL
- Active and dynamic. Decisive and haste but tends to regret. Attractive and affectionate to oneself. Strong mentality. Loves attention. Diplomatic. Consoling, friendly and solves people's problems. Brave and fearless. Adventurous. Loving and caring. Suave and generous. Emotional. Aggressive. Hasty. Good memory. Moving. Motivates oneself and others. Sickness usually of the head and chest.
Sexy in a way that only their lover can see.
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MAY
- Stubborn and hard-hearted. Strong-willed and highly motivated. Sharp thoughts. Easily angered. Attracts others and loves attention. ! Deep feelings. Beautiful physically and mentally. Firm Standpoint. Needs no motivation. Easily consoled. Syst! ematic (left brain). Loves to dream. Strong clairvoyance. Understanding. Sickness usually in the ear and neck. Good imagination. Good physical. Weak breathing. Loves literature and the arts. Loves traveling. Dislike being at home. Restless. Not having many children. Hardworking. High spirited.
Spendthrift.
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JUNE
- Thinks far with vis ion. Easily influenced by kindness. Polite. Has lots of ideas. Sensitive. Active mind. Hesitates, tends to put things off. Choosy and always wants the best. Temperamental. Funny and humorous. Loves to joke. Good debating skills. Talkative. Daydreamer. Friendly. Makes friends easily. Shows character. Easily hurt. Prone to getting colds. &nbs! p;Easily bored. Fussy and stubborn. Seldom shows emotions. Takes time to recover when hurt. Brand
conscious.
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JULY
- Fun to be with. Secretive. Sometimes, difficult to understand. Quiet unless excited or tense. Takes pride in oneself. Has reputation for hard work. Honest. Concerned about people's feelings. Tactful. Friendly, but not ! always approachable. Emotionally temperamental. Moody and easily hurt. Witty. Not mean or revengeful. Forgiving but nev er forgets. Dislikes nonsensical and illogical l things. Sensitive and forms friendships carefully. Caring and loving. Treats others equally. Strong sense of sympathy. Wary and sharp. Judges people through observations. No difficulties in studying. Loves to be alone. Broods about the past and misses old friends. Quiet, homey person. Has difficulty making new friends. Prone to having dieting problems. Loves to be loved.
Easily hurt but takes long to recover.
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AUGUST
- Loves to joke. Attra! ctive. Suave and caring. Brave and fearless. F! irm and has leadership qualities. Knows how to console others. Too generous and egoistic. Takes high pride of oneself. Thirsty for praises. Extraordinary spirit. Easily angered. Angry when provoked. Easily jealous. Observant. Careful and caut ious. Thinks quickly. Independent thoughts. Loves to lead and to be led. Loves to dream. Talented in the arts, music and defense. Sensitive but not petty. Poor resistance against illnesses. Learns to relax. Hasty and trusty. Romantic. Loving and caring.
Loves to make friends.
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SEPTEMBER
- Suave and compromising. Careful, cautious and organized. Stubborn. Quiet. Uncomfortable if have to talk to a group. Calm. Sympathetic. Concerned and detailed. Loyal. Does work well. Very confident. Sensitive. Thinking generous. Good memory. Clever and knowl! edgeable. Loves to look! for information. Must control oneself when criticizing. Able to motivate oneself. Understanding. Secretive. Loves sports and leisure. Hardly shows emotions. Tends to bottle up feelings.
Very choosy, especially i n relationships.
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OCTOBER
- Loves to chat. Loves those who loves them. Loves to takes things at the center. Inner and physical beauty. Sexy. Gets angry often. Treats friends importantly. Always making new friends. Easily hurt but recovers easily. Day dreamer. Loyal. Opinionated. Does not care what others think. Emotional. Decisive. Strong clairvoyance . Loves to travel, the arts and literature. Touchy and easily jealous. Honest, does not pretend. Concerned. Loves outdoors. Just and fair. Spendthrift. Easily influenced. Easily loses confidence.
Loves children.
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NOVEMBER
- Has a lot of ideas. Difficult to fathom. Thinks forward. Unique and brilliant. Extraordinary ideas. Sharp thinking. Fine and strong clairvoyance. Can become good doctors. Dynamic in personality. Secretive. Inquisitive. Knows how to dig secrets. Always thinking. Less talkative but amiable. Brave and generous. Patient. Stubborn and hard-hearted. If there is a will, there is a way. Determined. Never give up. Hardly becomes angry unless provoked. Loves to be alone. Thinks differently from others. Sharp-minded. Motivates oneself. Does not appreciate praises. High-spirited. Well-built and tough. Deep love and emotions. Romantic. Uncertain in relationships. Homely. Hardworking. High abilities. Trustworthy. Honest and keeps secrets.
Not able to control emotions.
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DECEMBER
- Loyal and generous. Sexy. Patriotic. Impatient and hasty. Ambitious. Influential in organizations. Fun to be with. Loves to socialize. Loves praises. Loves attention. Loves to be loved. Honest and trustworthy. Not pretending. Short-tempered. Changing personality. Not egotistic. Take high pride in oneself. Hates restrictions. Loves to joke. Good sense of humor.
Logical
Things I Wish I'd Known Before I Got Out In The World.
A person needs only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and it shouldn't, use the tape.
When baking, follow directions. When cooking, go by your own taste.
The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship: "I apologize" and "You are right."
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It's easier to eat crow while it's still warm.
If he or she says that you are too good for him -- believe it.
I've learned to pick my battles; I ask myself, "Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?"
Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
Living well really is the best revenge.
Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just proves that the other person was right about you.
Be really nice to your friends because you never know when you are going to need them to empty your bed pan and hold your hand.
And finally... Being happy doesn't mean everything's perfect; it just means you've decided to see beyond the imperfections.
Math in life
Smart man + smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss+ smart employee = profit
Smart boss+dumb employee = production
Dumb boss+smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss+dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
Sums up life!
The best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.
It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives
Giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they'll love you back! Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart but if it doesn't, be content it grew in yours. It takes only a minute to get a crush on someone, an hour to like someone, and a day to love someone, but it takes a lifetime to forget someone
Don't go for looks; they can deceive. Don't go for wealth; even that fades away. Go for someone who makes you smile because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright. Find the one that makes your heart smile.
May you have enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, enough hope to make you happy
Always put yourself in others' shoes. If you feel that it hurts you, it probably hurts the other person, too
The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.
Happiness lies for those who cry, those who hurt, those who have searched, and those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of people who have touched their lives.
When you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling. Live your life so that when you die, you're the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying. !
Isn't hound doggie cute?
He will intereact with the mouse!
| adopt your own virtual pet! |
Things that make you go hmmmmm?
1. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
2. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?
3. OK.... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the
Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the
Tennessee Titans?
4. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one
enjoys it?
5. There are three religious truths:
a. Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
b. Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the leader of the Christian
faith.
c. Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters,
6. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?
7. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
8. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?
9. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread
to begin with?
10. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racecar is not called a racist?
11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?
12. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted,cowboys deranged, models
deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
13. If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
14. Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?
15. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
16. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more
as they get older; then it dawned on me ....they're cramming for their final
exam.
17. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons
and forks , so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?
18. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the
postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
19. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the
others here for?
20. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
21. Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
22. If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?
23. Whatever happened to Preparations A through G
Living Will
For Looters
Sand Movie'very cool'
FBI WATCHED INTERNET USERS
Sex
1. Sex is a beauty treatment. Scientific tests find that when women make
love they produce amounts of the hormone estrogen, which makes hair shine
and skin smooth.
2. Gentle, relaxed lovemaking reduces your chances of suffering dermatitis,
skin rashes and blemishes. The sweat produced cleanses the pores and makes
your skin glow.
3. Lovemaking can burn up those calories you piled on during that romantic
dinner.
4. Sex is one of the safest sports you can take up. It stretches and tones
up just about every muscle in the body. It's more enjoyable than swimming 20
laps, and you don't need special sneakers!
5. Sex is an instant cure for mild depression. It releases endorphins into
the bloodstream, producing a sense of euphoria and leaving you with a
feeling of well-being.
6. The more sex you have, the more you will be offered. The sexually active
body gives off greater quantities of chemicals called pheromones. These
subtle sex perfumes drive the opposite sex crazy!
7. Sex is the safest tranquilizer in the world. IT IS 10 TIMES MORE
EFFECTIVE THAN VALIUM.
8. Kissing each day will keep the dentist away. Kissing encourages saliva to
wash food from the teeth and lowers the level of the acid that causes decay,
preventing plaque build-up.
9. Sex actually relieves headaches. A lovemaking session can release the
tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.
10.. A lot of lovemaking can unblock a stuffy nose. Sex is a natural
antihistamine.
It can help combat asthma and hay fever.
Different types of sex
SOCIAL SECURITY SEX:
Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?" "Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex." "Social Security sex?" "Yeah, you know: I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!" BR>
LOUD SEX:
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."
"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is." "The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"
QUIET SEX:
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, "How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?" She glanced at him casually and replied, "You're never home!" BR>
CONFOUNDED SEX:
A man was in a terrible accident, and his "manhood" was mangled and tornfro m his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn't cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for "small, $6,500 for "medium, $14,000 for "large."BR>
The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected. "Well, what have the two of you decided?" asked the doctor. The man answered, "She'd rather remodel the kitchen".
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY SEX:
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary. The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads: 'Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever'."
"Yeah," she replies, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone reads: 'Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last.'"
Mid-life
. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60
(or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate. Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around. Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, cell phone-toting teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"
In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally -
more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective. You start pondering the"big" questions...
What is life? Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice
ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice? But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!"
Golf Humor
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scottsdale, Ariz.:
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT, FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
2. FORM A LOOSE GRIP.
3. KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN.
4. AVOID A QUICK BACK SWING.
5. STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7. IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG, PLEASE LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU.
8. DON'T STAND DIRECTLY IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9. QUIET PLEASE ... W! HILE OTHERS ARE PREPARING TO GO.
10. DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
Well, DONE -- NOW FLUSH THE URINAL, GO OUTSIDE AND TEE OFF
More useless trivia
Did you know that Jimmy Carter was the first U.S. president to have been born in a hospital?
Or that Eskimos use refrigerators to keep food FROM freezing?
The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog." Uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test telex/twx communications)
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
Average life span of a major league baseball: 7 pitches.
A duck's quack doesn't echo, and no one knows why.
In the 1940s, the FCC assigned television's Channel 1 to mobile Services(two-way radios in taxicabs, for instance) but did not Pre-number the other channel assignments. That is why your TV set has channels 2 and up, but no channel 1.
The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.
Hang On Sloopy is the official rock song of Ohio.
Did you know that there are coffee flavored PEZ?
The reason firehouses have circular stairways is from the days of yore when the engines were pulled by horses. The horses were stabled on the ground floor and figured out how to walk up straight staircases.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the name of the Don McLean song.)
When opossums are playing 'possum, they are not "playing." They actually pass out from sheer terror.
The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19.You also have the largest amount of money in coins without being able to make change for a dollar.
No NFL team, which plays its home games in a domed stadium, has ever won a Superbowl.
The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It to Beaver".
The only two days of the year in which there are no professional sports games (MLB, NBA, NHL, or NFL) are the day before and the day after the Major League all-star Game.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
In Cleveland, Ohio, it's illegal to catch mice without a hunting license.
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
There is an average of 178 sesame seeds on a McDonald's Big Mac bun.
The world's termites outweigh the world's humans 10 to 1.
Pound for pound, hamburgers cost more than new cars.
The 3 most valuable brand names on earth: Marlboro, Coca-Cola, and Budweiser, in that order.
When Heinz ketchup leaves the bottle, it travels at a rate of 25 miles per year.
It's possible to lead a cow upstairs...but not downstairs.
The Bible has been translated into Klingon.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
Ninety percent of New York City cabbies are recently arrived immigrants.
On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons combined.
Reno, Nevada is west of Los Angeles, California.
Average age of top GM executives in 1994: 49.8 years.
Elephants can't jump. Every other mammal can.
The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.
Five Jell-O flavors that flopped: celery, coffee, cola, apple, and chocolate.
According to one study, 24% of lawns have some sort of lawn ornament in their yard.
Internationally, Baywatch is the most popular TV show in history.
Have You Ever Wondered...
Why does the sun lighten our hair, but darken our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouths closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor,
and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes?????
Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
Why the Chicken Crossed the Road?
John Locke: Because he was exercising his natural right to liberty.
Machiavelli: The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The ends of crossing the road justify whatever motive there was.
Timothy Leary: Because that's the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.
The Bible: And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.
Darwin #1: Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically predisposed to cross roads
Darwin #2: It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.
Jerry Seinfeld: Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this chicken doing walking around all over the place anyway?"
Martin Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.
Grandpa: In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.
Bill Gates: I have just released the new Chicken 2000, which will both cross roads AND balance your checkbook, though when it divides 3 by 2 it gets 1.4999999999.
Colonel Sanders: I missed one?
Plato: For the greater good.
Aristotle: To actualize its potential.
Albert Einstein: Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.
Ralph Waldo Emerson: It didn't cross the road; it transcended it.
Joseph Stalin: I don't care. Catch it. I need its eggs to make my omelet.
Dr. Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes the chicken crossed the road, but why he crossed, I've not been told!
OJ Simpson: It didn't. I was playing golf with it at the time.
A Man's Fairy Tale
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" The girl said, "NO!"
And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, hunting and played golf a lot. He had all the best electronic equipment, the fastest cars, boats, and motorcycles. He drank beer whenever he wanted. The End.
The Procrastinator
I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.
2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.
3. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.
4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to
the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.
5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new
technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.
6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable
regardless of the amount of time given.
7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle,
though infinitely small, is not exactly zero.
8. If at first I don't succeed, there is always next year.
9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.
10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/
or write the first word, when I get around to it.
11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the
greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.
12. I know that the work cycle is not plan/start/finish, but is wait/plan/plan.
13. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration
Weird, Amazing, Useless Facts
111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321
The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from and old English law
which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything
wider than your thumb.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes on one foot.
If you keep a Goldfish in the dark room, it will eventually turn white.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
Right handed people live, on average, nine years longer
than left handed people do.
boo hoo I'm left handed!
The average chocolate bar has 8 insects' legs in it.
at night while they sleep.
No more sleeping for me!!
A rhinoceros horn is made of compacted hair.
It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
The longest one-syllable word in the English language
is "screeched."
On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the
Parliament Building is an American flag.
All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange,
silver or purple.
"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial
on the back of the $5 bill.
Almonds are members of the peach family.
Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
The youngest pope was 11 years old.
The world's youngest parents were 8 and 9 and lived in China in 1910.
A snail can sleep for 3 years.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating
one olive from each salad served in first-class.
China has more people who speak English than the United States.
The shortest war in history was between Zanzibar and England in
1896. Zanzibar surrendered after 38 minutes.
A polar bear's skin is black. Its fur is not white,
but actually clear
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
Did you know you share your birthday with at least 9 other
million people in the world?
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
"I am." is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
The longest word in the English language is 1909 letters
long and it refers to a distinct part of DNA.
Americans on the average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Every time you lick a stamp, you're consuming 1/10 of a calorie.
You are more likely to be killed by a champagne cork than by a
poisonous spider.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth II, moves only six inches for
each gallon of diesel that it burns.
Cat's urine glows under a black light.
Only one person in two billion will live to be 116 or older.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months,
enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about ten.
Our eyes are always the same size from birth,
but our nose and ears never stop growing.
In every episode of Seinfeld there is a Superman somewhere.
If Barbie were life-size her measurements would be 39-23-33.
She would stand seven feet, two inches tall
and have a neck twice the length of a normal human's neck.
A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
Polar bears are left-handed.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds, that makes the catfish
rank #1 for animal having the most taste buds.
The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a
letter is uncopyrightable.
The first novel ever written on a typewriter was Tom Sawyer.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood donors.
Donald Duck comicswere banned in Finland because he doesn't wear pants.
Get the duck some pants so he can travel!
More people are killed by donkeys annually than are killed in plane crashes.
end with the same letter that they start with.
TYPEWRITER, is the longest word that can be made using the
letters on only one row of the keyboard.
If the population of China walked past you in single file,
the line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
The word racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left.
A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death.
Butterflies taste with their feet.
An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses.
No one in Greece has memorized all 158 verses.
There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at
home, the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after
Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's
"Its A Wonderful Life".
The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum,
looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z, hence "Oz."
The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar
tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
There are more chickens than people in the world.
Two-thirds of the world's eggplants are grown in New Jersey.
A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper
left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider
hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
There are only four words in the English language which end in "-
dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
Some Pictures Are Priceless
How was your day???
What real women do with duct tape
Ouch!
Keep that hat on... second thought!
Redneck Hat Rack!
Researcher needs funding!
Beer Trouble Shooting
No Beer for me!
Now I feel better about myself!
Men's priority !
Never works twice-and only on blondes!-Ha-Ha
The other side of Mt.Rushmore
If fathers raised the kids!
Why some hunters don't kill a deer!
Subject: " Survivor: Southern Style "
Due to the popularity of the Survivor shows, several Southern TV stations are joining together in planning to do their own, entitled "Survivor: Southern Style". The contestants will start in Alabama, travel over to Georgia and on to South Carolina. From there they will head up to North Carolina and over to Tennessee. They will then proceed down to Mississippi and Louisiana. Finally ending up back over in Alabama.
Each will be driving a pink Volvo with New Jersey license plates and large bumper stickers that read:
I'm Gay
I'm a Vegetarian
NASCAR Sucks
Go Yankees!
Smoking is for Idiots
Hillary in 2008
Deer Hunting is Murder
I'm Here to Confiscate Your Guns!
The first one that makes it back to
Montgomery alive, wins.
REAL HISTORY
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
The names Lincoln and Kennedy each contain seven letters.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both were shot in the head.
Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's secretary was named Lincoln.
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners.
Both successors were named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names comprise fifteen letters.
Booth ran from the theater and was caught in a warehouse.
Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater.
Booth and Oswald were both assassinated before their trials.
And here's the kicker...
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was in Marilyn Monroe.
A Kiss
He had just saved her from a fire in her house, rescuing her by carrying her out of the house into her front yard, while he continued to fight the fire.
She was pregnant.
The firefighter was afraid of her at first, because he had never been around a Doberman before.
When he finally got done putting the fire out, he sat down to catch his breath and rest.
A photographer from the Charlotte, North Carolina newspaper, "The Observer," noticed this red Doberman in the distance looking at the fireman.
He saw her walking straight toward the fireman and wondered what she was going to do.
As he raised his camera, she came up to the tired man who had saved her life and the lives of her babies, and kissed him, just as the photographer snapped this photograph.
Subject: A TEST FOR SMART YANKEES
I'm sick and tired of hearing about how dumb people are in the South. I challenge any so-called smart Yankee to take this exam: 1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.
2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? (A) '65 Ford Fairlane (B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle (C) '64 Pontiac GTO.
3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of 'shine per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?
4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are all cut down?
5. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine. When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be killed?
6. A man owns a Tennessee house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man's land and still have enough property for their refrigerators and washing machines to sit out front?
7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler? 8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?
I betcha thought that this here test was gonna be an easy one, didn't ya? It's okay if'n ya didn't do all that well. Just goes to show ya.... there's a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don't prepare ya for in this life .As an added bonus for taking the "REDNECK CHALLENGE," here's some Southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece.... Next time you are too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order. When they go to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.
Random Thoughts
It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial cost and blamed it on the cost of living.
It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.
Laughing stock - cattle with a sense of humor.
You can't have everything, where would you put it?
Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway.
The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.
Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.
As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.
A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.
The only cure for insomnia is to get more sleep.
Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.
I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.
I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.
When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
mind readers link'fun link'
Many non-living things have a gender.
You may not know this but many non-living things have a gender.
1) Ziploc Bags are Male, because they hold everything in, but you can see right through them.
2) Copiers are Female, because once turned off; it takes a while to warm them up again. It's an effective reproductive device if the right buttons are pushed,but can wreak havoc if the wrong buttons are pushed.
3) A Tire is Male, because it goes bald and it's often over-inflated.
4) A Hot Air Balloon is Male, because, to get it to go anywhere, you have to light a fire under it, and of course, there's the hot air part.
5) Sponges are Female, because they're soft, squeezable and retain water.
6) A Web Page is Female, because it's always getting hit on.
7) A Subway is Male, because it uses the same old lines to pick people up.
8) An Hourglass is Female, bec ause over time, the weight shifts to the bottom.
9) A Hammer is Male, because it hasn't changed much over the last 5,000 years, but it's handy to have around.
10) A Remote Control is Female. Ha! You thought it'd be male, didn't you? But consider this - it gives a man pleasure, he'd be lost without it, and while he doesn't always know the right buttons to push, he keeps trying!
Funny Sayings and Questions
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.
I live in my own little world. But it's OK. They know me here.
I don't approve of political jokes. I've seen too many of them get elected.
I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
I am a nobody, and nobody is perfect; therefore, I am perfect.
How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom's wise words: "Don't pick that up, you don't know where it's been!"
A good friend will come and bail you out of jail...but, a true friend will be sitting next to you saying, "...that was fun!"-
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!
When I was young we used to go "skinny dipping," now I just "chunky dunk."
The worst thing about accidents in the kitchen is eating them.
Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over?
Stress is when you wake up screaming and then you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
My husband says I never listen to him (at least I think that's what he said).
If raising children was going to be easy, it never would have started with something called LABOR!
Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Lesson in logic
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said.
"A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river,
fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help.
His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank.
Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A little girl raised her hand and asked, "To draw out all his savings?"
my baby cat.
wil interact to the mouse!
| adopt your own virtual pet! |
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk. 9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandpa's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, n the toy
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:
1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.
Doctor Terminology
(What doctors say, and what they're really thinking: )
"This should be taken care of right away."
I'd planned a trip to Hawaii next month but this is so easy
and profitable that I want to fix it before it cures itself.
"Welllllll, what have we here...?"
He has no idea and is hoping you'll give him a clue.
"Let me check your medical history."
I want to see if you've paid your last bill before spending
any more time with you.
"Why don't we make another appointment later in the week."
I'm playing golf this afternoon, and this a waste of time. --or--
I need the bucks, so I'm charging you for another office visit.
"We have some good news and some bad news."
The good news is, I'm going to buy that new BMW.
The bad news is, you're going to pay for it.
"Let's see how it develops."
Maybe in a few days it will grow into something that can be cured
"Let me schedule you for some tests."
I have a forty percent interest in the lab.
"I'd like to have my associate look at you."
He's going through a messy divorce and owes me a bundle.
"I'd like to prescribe a new drug."
I'm writing a paper and would like to use you for a guinea pig.
"If it doesn't clear up in a week, give me a call."
I don't know what it is. Maybe it will go away by itself.
"That's quite a nasty looking wound."
I think I'm going to throw up.
"This may smart a little."
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.
"Well, we're not feeling so well today, are we...?"
I'm stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?
"This should fix you up."
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.
"Everything seems to be normal."
Rats! I guess I can't buy that new beach condo after all.
"I'd like to run some more tests."
I can't figure out what's wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.
"Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?"
You're crazier than outhouse rat.
Now, if I can only find a shrink who'll split fees with me ...
"There is a lot of that going around."
My God, that's the third one this week.
I'd better learn something about this.
"If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment."
I've never heard of anything so disgusting.
Thank God I'm off next week.
Get your Oxymoron widget at hostdrjack.com
A couple of jokes for mature people
So why are you reading them??
Is this my brain?
A three year old boy taking a bath examined his penis and asked, "Mommy, is this my brain?"
The mother replied, "Not yet, honey."
A man asked his wife why she wears a bra when she
has nothing to put in it,
She replied,well you wear jockey shorts don't you!
A man told a friend he was going out to get him
some strange stuff,
His wife overheard him and yelled,
If you had another inch you'd get some
strange stuff at home!
In the line of fire!
Advice for Military Personnel
Aim towards the enemy." ---
Instructions printed on U.S. Army Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend." ---
U.S.M.C. Training Bulletin
"Cluster bombing from B-52's is very, very accurate.
The bombs
are guaranteed to always hit the ground." --- U.S.A.F. Literature
"If the enemy is in range, so are you." --- Infantryman's journal
"A slipping trigger gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it.
That would make you quite unpopular in left of your unit." --- Army's Magazine of Preventative Maintenance
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed." --- U.S.A.F. Manual
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo." --- Infantryman's journal
"Tracers work both ways." --- U.S. Army Ordinance Manual
"Five-second fuses only last three seconds." --- Infantryman's journal
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
Infantryman's journal
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection." --- Infantryman's journal .
Any ship can be a minesweeper....once." --- Anonymous Naval brass
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do." --- Unknown Marine recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--- Your buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him." - Unknown
Airplane Maintenance
Remember it takes a college degree to fly a
plane but only a high school diploma to fix one.
After every flight, Qantas pilots fill out a form,
called a "gripe sheet," which tells mechanics about problems
with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form,
and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked witha P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel.
Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
John Price
Actual Caddy Quotes
Golfer: "I've played so poorly all day; I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake."
Caddy: "I doubt you could keep your head down that long."
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to be able to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven. You've already moved most of the earth."
Golfer: "Well, I have never played this badly before!
Caddy: "I didn't realize you had played before, sir."
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Oh yes, sir! You miss the ball much closer than you used to."
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time, caddy. It's distracting!"
Caddy: "This isn't a watch, sir, its a compass!"
Golfer: "Caddy, do you think it is a sin to play golf on Sunday?"
Caddy: "The way you play, sir, it's a sin any day of the week!"
Golfer: "This golf is a funny game."
Caddy: "It's not supposed to be."
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, caddy. It looks far too old."
Caddy: "It's a long time since we started, sir."
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5-iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Golfer (screaming): "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!"
Caddy: "I doubt it. That would be too much of a coincidence!"
Things You Don't Say to a Cop
I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
Bad cop. No donut.
You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
I pay your salary
So uh, you on the take or what?
Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches?
MMMM...You don't have anything that a good shopping trip won't cure!
Try these new drugs for women!
NEW DRUGS FOR WOMEN !
B U Y A G R A !
Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. !
Increases potency, duration and credit limit of spending spree.
D A M N I T O L
Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.
E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N
Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.
P E P T O B I M B O
Liquid silicone drink for single women.
Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence and prevents conception.
D U M B E R O L
When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.
F L I P I T O R
Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.
M E N I C I L L I N
Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as,
"You make me want to be a better person ..... Can we get naked now?"
J A C K A S S P I R I N
Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.
A N T I - T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.
N A G A M E N T
When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.
Husband store
Recently a "Husband Store" opened where women could go to choose a husband from among many men. It was laid out in five floors.
The only rule was, once you opened the door to any floor, you HAD to choose a man from that floor; if you went up a floor, you couldn't go back down except to leave the place, never to return. A couple of girlfriends went to the shopping center to find some husbands...
First floor
The door had a sign saying, "These men have jobs and love kids." The women read the sign and said, "Well, that's better than not having a job or not loving kids, but I wonder what's further up?" So up they went.
Second floor
The sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking." "Hmmm," said the ladies, "But, I wonder what's further up?"
Third floor
This sign read, "These men have high paying jobs, are extremely good looking, love kids and help with the housework." "Wow," said the women, "Very tempting." But there was another floor, so further up they went.
Fourth floor
This door had a sign saying "These men have high paying jobs, love kids, are extremely good looking, help with the housework and have a strong romantic streak." "Oh, mercy me," they cried, "Just think what must be awaiting us further on! So up to the fifth floor they went.
Fifth floor
The sign on that door said, "This floor is empty and exists only to prove that women are impossible to please. The exit is to your left."
Quote
My ex reminds me of my computer
small hard drive,no memory,only works when he wants
and never takes the trash out!
Judy Arline Puckett
More Trivia, TRUTH, LIES DIFFER IN BRAIN SCANS
Brain scans show that the brains of people who are lying look very different
from those of people who are telling the truth, U.S. researchers said on Monday.
Astrologer Sues NASA Over Comet Mission
Tue Jul 5, 3:37 PM ET
MOSCOW - NASA's mission that sent a space probe smashing into a comet raised more than cosmic dust — it also brought a lawsuit from a Russian astrologer.
Marina Bai has sued the U.S. space agency, claiming the Deep Impact probe that punched a crater into the comet Tempel 1 late Sunday "ruins the natural balance of forces in the universe," the newspaper Izvestia reported Tuesday. A Moscow court has postponed hearings on the case until late July, the paper said.
Scientists say the crash did not significantly alter the comet's orbit around the sun and said the experiment does not pose any danger to Earth.
The probe's comet crash sent up a cloud of debris that scientists hope to examine to learn how the solar system was formed.
Bai is seeking damages totaling $300 million — the approximate equivalent of the mission's cost — for her "moral sufferings," Izvestia said, citing her lawyer Alexander Molokhov. She earlier told the paper that the experiment would "deform her horoscope."
NASA representatives in Russia and at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena, Calif., could not be reached for comment on the case.
May I add I need $300 million my moral sufferings and my deformed horoscope .ha-ha"
Middle East Humor
Qatar to use robots in camel races
Doha is set to substitute robots for jockeys in camel races in 2005, denies abusing child jockeys.
By Faisal Baatoutn - DOHA
Qatar is set to substitute robots for jockeys in camel races
, a favorite sport in the oil-rich Gulf region which has faced
widespread criticism over the use of child jockeys from the Indian subcontinent.
But the sport's supremo in Doha insists Qatar never abused child
camel jockeys in the first place and that the plan to use "robot-jockeys"
within the coming year was not in response to protests by human rights groups.
"We have successfully completed three phases in the production
of the robot," the president of the organizing committee of camel races in this Gulf state said.
"We are awaiting a visit by the engineers handling the project
to start the fourth, and probably last, phase," said Sheikh
Hamad bin Jassem bin Faisal al-Thani.
He said the robot was being developed by a Swiss company but
would not disclose further details, citing the terms of the
contract with the unnamed firm. The robots are expected to
be ready in 2005. Sheikh Hamad announced last March that robot-jockeys had been
used in a camel race for the first time and the practice would be repeated.
Gulf Arab monarchies are trying to bring order to the national
sport in the face of protests over the trafficking of young children from the subcontinent as jockeys.
The US State Department and human rights groups have raised the
alarm over the exploitation of children by traffickers who pay impoverished parents
a paltry sum or simply resort to kidnapping their victims. The children, mostly from Bangladesh, Sri Lanka or Pakistan, are then smuggled into the oil-rich Gulf states.
They are often starved by employers to keep them light and maximize their racing potential.
Mounting camels three times their height, the children - some as young as six - face the risk of being thrown off or trampled.
Officials in Qatar's organizing committee of camel races have
been proudly circulating sketches of the robots,
which suggest the final product will be a much more advanced version of the one used on a trial basis earlier this year.
One of the sketches shows a human-shaped robot in the saddle,
while another features a remote control device to
command the 'jockey' to make hand movements to direct the camel.
According to Sheikh Hamad, the Swiss company was paid around
1.37 million dollars to produce the robots, which will cost just under 5,500 dollars apiece.
"The committee will buy 100 robots and rent them out at prices subsidized by the government," he said.
But Sheikh Hamad refuted claims that Qatar had abused or trafficked child jockeys.
"Our leadership seeks to make Qatar a state of law which upholds human rights,
and we will never allow ourselves to act in a way that runs counter to this," he said.
Defying critics to produce evidence of rights abuses, Sheikh
Hamad said there were no Asian jockeys in the gas-rich Gulf state.
"All are Sudanese, who entered the country legally" accompanied
by their parents or other legal guardians, he maintained.
There are some 100 youths aged nine to over 20 who are either
professional camel jockeys or undergoing training in Qatar. Only jockeys aged 14 or more are allowed to take part in races.
An official said last month that Qatar was drafting a bill that would ban hiring people under 18 as jockeys for camel races.
The legislation should be ready next April.
Camel owner Saqr al-Marrikhi said he was prepared to "appear before any (tribunal) in the world and own up to my
responsibility if it is proven that we exploit children" in any way.
"I'm a father. Would I allow anyone to exploit my son?"
said Mohammad Saad, a Sudanese national accompanying his 12-year-old son to a school for child jockeys.
Qatar's main camel race carries a prize of more than 190,000 dollars,
10 percent of which goes to the parent or guardian
of the jockey, who also gets a monthly salary of up to 400 dollars.
Subject: Kabul
Barbara Walters of 20/20 did a story on gender roles
in Kabul several years before the Afghan conflict.
She noted that women customarily walked about 5 paces
behind their husbands.
She returned to Kabul recently and observed that women
still walk behind their husbands, but now seem to walk
even further back and are happy with the old custom.
Ms. Walters approached one of the Afghani women and
asked, "Why do you now seem happy with the old custom
that you used to try and change?"
"Land mines," said the woman
. MORAL: BEHIND EVERY MAN IS A SMART WOMAN.
A little look into the future!
Headlines from the year 2029:
Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia, formerly known as California. White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia's third language.
Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.
Baby conceived naturally. Scientists stumped.
Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the AmericanTerritory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iraq, Afghanistan, Syria and Lebanon).
Iran still closed off; physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.
France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.
Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.
Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.
85-years, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss. Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.
Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut. (Hummmmmmmmm)
Massachusetts executes last remaining conservative.
Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.
Average height of NB A players now nine feet, seven inches.
New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.
Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.
IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.
Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines
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